I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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