you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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