highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
