So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
