nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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