the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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