Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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