he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
