Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
