I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
