turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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