The brown eye won't let me do that either.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
