My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
