My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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