I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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