This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Randomize
