If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
In other news, I just burned my penis
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize