I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need a beard to bite.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
