Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
