I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
