This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
