Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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