I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
