just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
