This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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