I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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