i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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