Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
