cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
