I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
