there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
