I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We left an ass print on the piano.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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