She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
