if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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