Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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