She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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