Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
