Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
