I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
