Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
