I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
