I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
