I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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