apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
this is an emotional support booty call
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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