if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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