I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize