I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize