you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
