maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just forgot I was standing up.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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