wanna go halves on a baby?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
