glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
