Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
