3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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