i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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