i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
