I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
